不小心放出250隻蟋蟀！直擊家中蟋蟀大規模竄逃：希望明天老婆沒殺我 | 妮妮小宅女 | 鍵盤大檸檬

記得昨天粉粿寫的家裡有大喇牙出現嚇壞人，還差點造成誤會嗎？家裡突然出現這種蟲蟲真的蠻可怕的，像我就超怕蟑螂，看到永遠先尖叫再說（超沒用）

那如果你家突然間多了250隻蟋蟀活蹦亂跳，那會是什麼地獄般的景象啊...這個可怕的事就發生在美國。美國的華盛頓郵報記者英格拉姆（Christopher Ingraham）家裡養了一隻很會吃的鬃獅蜥「Holly」，牠平常最愛吃的食物就是蟋蟀了。

▼牠就是Holly本人

Alright folks, I’ve got a 30-day subscription pass to The Washington Post, the global standard bearer in cricket journalism, up for grabs. Reply with a pic of your bearded dragon and Holly here will select the winner, at random pic.twitter.com/t4NrdbgChU
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2019年1月3日

而在聖誕節的時候，英格拉姆為了省下去寵物店的時間和金錢，決定上網網購一箱蟋蟀，當作Holly的聖誕大餐，沒想到這卻是悲劇的開始...

身為一個記者，英格拉姆當然活用了他的專業，在推特上鉅細靡遺的跟大家描述了事發的經過。

「今天為蜥蜴的蟋蟀由FedEx送來了，這是我第一次網購一堆蟋蟀，所以我以為他們會把牠們包裝好送來，或是用其他方式處理好，但，他們沒有。」

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「他們全部都裝在一個紙箱內，我割開膠帶打開箱子，哇嗚！驚喜！到處都是蟋蟀，但因為我還有工作要處理，沒空管這些蟋蟀，所以就只是先用膠帶黏回箱子。」

They were in a cardboard box. And I cut the tape and opened the box and SURPRISE! Crickets everywhere. It was the middle of the workday and I didn't have time to deal with cricket logistics, so I put the tape back on the box.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「然後我就把箱子放到樓上的浴室，家裡唯一一個算是密閉的空間，因為小孩或是小貓小狗不會進去打開箱子，讓這250隻蟋蟀跑進我溫暖的家裡。」

And then I put the box in the upstairs bathroom, the only semi-contained place in the house where I knew the kids and the cats and the dogs wouldn't be able to get at the box and tear it open and unleash 250 hungry crickets into our warm, semi-humid environment.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「大約20分鐘後，我回到電腦前繼續工作，突然聽到我老婆在廚房問：『這些該死的蟋蟀到底是從哪裡跑出來的？』我必須坦承，我沒有跟她說我買蟋蟀之後的後續故事。」

About 20 minutes later I'm back at work on my computer, and I hear my wife in the kitchen: "where are these goddamn crickets coming from." I freely admit I had not kept her fully up-to-date on my cricket purchasing plans.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「一開始我想說，就只是一兩隻在我打開紙箱的時候跑出來吧？又沒有什麼大不了。就繼續工作了。」

And at first I was like "okay, maybe one or two got out when I initially opened the box. No biggie." I kept working.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「現在想想，這個想法真是個錯誤的決定。」

With the benefit of hindsight, this was a mistake.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「我正在努力趕完手中的稿子，但一直聽到廚房傳來關於蟋蟀有關的驚呼尖叫。最後我出去看看情況，和老婆坦承今天是網購的蟋蟀到貨日...『我知道』她說，『但是為什麼整個廚房到處都是蟋蟀？』」

I'm trying to wrap up a story but I keep hearing cricket-related exclamations coming from the kitchen. Eventually I get up to investigate. I say, "So uh the crickets got here toda--"
"I REALIZE THAT," she says. "WHY ARE THEY ALL OVER THE KITCHEN"
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「『這真是個好問題，我檢查一下。』我走進浴室打開門，我的老天鵝啊！蟋蟀，到處都是蟋蟀。」

I say "That's a good question. Let me check something." I walk over to the bathroom. I open the door. There are crickets. Everywhere.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「地上有蟋蟀，牆壁上有蟋蟀、水槽裡有蟋蟀，馬桶裡也有蟋蟀。」

Crickets on the floor. Crickets on the walls. Crickets in the sink. Crickets in the toilet.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「不知道為什麼，我第一個反應竟然是先去沖馬桶，好像這個能解決所有問題似的。我關上門喊說『呃，先不要進來哦』，還讓自己的語氣聽起來很有精神。」

For some reason my first instinct is to flush the toilet, as if that will do anything to solve the problem of crickets in all the other places that were not the toilet. I shut the door. "Uh, don't come in here!" I try to sound cheerful.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「很明顯的，我沒有把箱子封好，結果就是我在45公分高的積雪和氣溫零下的寒風中，跑到倉庫拿了備用的水族箱，再花45分鐘在浴室裡抓蟋蟀。」

Apparently I had not sealed the box shut as well as I should have. I ended up rushing out to the shed, in the 18" of snow and below zero temperatures, to pick up a spare aquarium we had. I spent about 45 minutes collecting crickets from the bathroom.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「當然啦，這時候很多蟋蟀早就移民到其他地方去了。在櫃子、鞋子甚至跑到樓下的遊戲間，但我想我家的貓應該是度過了牠們此生最快樂的一天。」

Of course by this point many had migrated elsewhere. They were in the closet. In the shoes. Making their way downstairs to the playroom. The cats were having what I can only imagine was the greatest day of their lives.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「我試著全部抓回來，就像是在玩寶可夢一樣，但現在的情況是，在最初爆發災難的十個小時之後，野生蟋蟀還是不斷的從奇怪的地方出現。」

I tried to collect all of them. It was like the world's shittiest game of Pokemon. But here we are, roughly 10 hours after the initial catastrophe, and stray crickets are still turning up in odd places.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

「最後，我會把這件事公開，是因為如果明天我沒有發任何一條更新推特，那一定是因為半夜在床上發現蟋蟀後，我被我老婆殺了。以上是記者來自Red Lake Falls的現場報導。」

I make this information public because if I do not send any tweets tomorrow, it is because my wife murdered me after finding a cricket in our bed in the middle of the night.

And that's the news from Red Lake Falls.
— Christopher Ingraham (@_cingraham) 2018年12月29日

因為這有趣的敘事口吻和百分百真實的案件，讓網友都對他的現場直擊笑翻，那可是貨真價實的第一手資料啊XD

隔天也看到了英格姆拉的更新推文：「各位午安，我很高興的報導我還活著，而我的婚姻也依然完整！看到大家從這件事中得到樂趣，於是我的主編要我把它做成一篇完整報導。」